So my therapist asked me what my ideal relationship would look like... not that we always get what we want, but she wanted me to think of what it would look like.
And I balked like a frightened mare.
I got tense and sweaty.
I couldn't speak.
Me, the planner, the person who gets stuff done, had no idea what my ideal relationship would look like.
"But you should be flexible," I tried to counter. We've all read the stories of the unreasonable women who state what the 3 acceptable hair cuts for their future mate.
"We know that's not you," she countered.
That is also true. I'm so worried about being too picky that I've dated and fucked guys I wasn't in to because that wasn't a good enough reason to not.
I guess I'm so scared to even think about what I want because the I'd really know what I'm missing...
So I'm on a plane for another 5 hours and with nothing better to do, you, dear reader, will get a bit of stream of (painful to pull out) thought.
Do I want kids?
Right out with the hard questions, right? This one is actually a bit easier for me to think about. I have some dear friends (waves at those who also read my blog) who knew they wanted kids and planned their lives around that. I also have friends who have never if ever wavered from not wanting kids.
I'm in the middle... I do t have strong feelings either way. I'd be game for kids with a partner who wanted them. I also wouldn't rule out a partner because he didn't want kids. I'm pretty content in this area and don't feel like I've not planned. My plan currently is to wait and see.
That was easy... which is probably why it came out first, right?
Do I want to be married? Planning a cool party sounds fun. Being legally and financially tied to another person? I feel like I could name for you all the reasons not to do it, all the horrible things that you may have to deal with.....
But all that is the logical brain...the side of me that wants to hide and never take risks. It's hard to say it out loud (I still haven't really), but I'd like to be married. I'd like to have till death do us part. I want to promise to cherish and be cherished in front of families and friends. Yea, getting married and not having kids can be horrible on your taxes, but that's all the stuff that comes with the institution of marriage. I want the core, the love, the intertwining of lives.
Sooooooooooo
What else?
Where does kink fit in? Mono/poly/open??
*sigh*
Why is this so hard??
Ok...... mono/poly/open....
I haven't had a primary partner since my high school/college boyfriend. We broke up in 2005, so it's been a while. The whole time we dated we were long distance (he's a year older than me and we didn't start dating till he was already in college). I've never lived with a primary partner nor had one that I saw even weekly.
Since 2005, I've had.....1? 2? Big R relationships. They've been great but they've been set up from the very beginning as none primary. Is that what I want?
Well when I think about the previous section on marriage...it's kind of hard to say that being a secondary partner has ever been my end goal. I enjoy the companionship and I have a lot of fun....
But I feel like I'm always holding back. It's like I have this pit of love and emotion and neediness that I keep carefully locked up since those desires and needs can't be met...
Now I don't know for sure they can't be met... I just don't even acknowledge that path for fear that they can't be met. I carve out this little piece of me that I think fits what people are offering and don't let them see anything else.
Ok so a primary partner would make me happy. Monogamy?
Eh
Sex is really nice
Kink is really nice.
Time is a zero sum game.
I guess I'd say that I probably wouldn't want a second boyfriend. I think I'd probably want the freedom to have friends with benefits situations.
---- minor side note. Friends with benefits are awesome...at least the way I do it. I'm actually friends, good friends, with those who get benefits. I couldn't do it where it was just sex and nothing else. I'd feel too vulnerable.
Ok so I want a primary partner who'd be ok with me having none romantic sexual relationships with others. Marriage would be a goal and kids could be on the table.
That's scary to write down let alone say out loud.
So I'm stomach now hurts. Not sure if I ate something that is setting me off or if I'm really uncomfortable thinking about this..... so I'll stop here...
For now.
