Hostage Party 7

I'm excited. I've got my application package in email and I'm ready to fill it out. 

And then I get re-blindsided by HSV 2 crazy thoughts. "You're going to go and be a leper," the voice says in my head. 

I know it's not true. I know people who are going and we've talked about it, and I will get play. 

I'm also not hiding it. Oh no, I have to disclose my status on a form. I already kind of told the entire Internet several times so that's not that big of a deal. 

It's just something I like that I thought was taken from me and another thing I've just got to take back for myself. 

Between now and then will be my annual exam. My doctor is amazing. I'll most likely get a re test (just to see what numbers look like) as well as the full screen and my other bloodwork. If the numbers have gone up, I'll probably ask for the meds. They'd really only be for reducing transmission since I have no symptoms, but maybe going on them will make me feel better when I do things like the hostage parties. I'm a member on a pretty informative HSV forum. I think I'm going to post there with all of my info and see what people with similar numbers have done. The research from the drug companies say the drug will cut transmission on it own to 2% (just like condom use) and the two together to 1%. 

But still, I kind of want to wait it out and see where my infection is so that I know for the future. 

Ahhhh the things in my head on airplanes....

I'm a dirty whore

Ok maybe I'm a bad whore... I don't take money for it ;-)

So what do you when you can't sleep?

Me?  I read erotica.

Last night I came across this gem.  It made me so hot to read.... the power exchange, the helplessness, the intricacy of the predicaments.

Oh wait... should I put a trigger warning before/after that link?  In general, if it's erotica, and I found it hot enough to share, it should probably have a trigger warning.

I spent the day half doing work, half prepping for vacation, and a sprinkling of flirting with hot, evil sadists.

And then all of a sudden it hit me.

I'm a fucking dirty whore.... and I love it....

I looked around my office, made eye contact with a couple of co workers.

"How the fuck can they not know," a voice said in my head.

I mean I know I can not be a whore... that I can be a prim proper young (ish) lady....

But that's more of a role than the whore.... the whore is what drives me, what makes me happy, what make me excited for the next day....

How do I integrate that into the other side of me?  How do I get that love of life, that ability to go for what I want, into the part of me analyzes every word and makes sure the whore isn't slipping out unknowingly...

I want to curl up with my porn again and revel in the whore some more ;-)

No More Thinking....

Isn't it great when your brain shuts off???

Some rope marks are still visible

I forget that's why I do it... why I do the pain... why I do the sex.... why I even go to the gym....

It's 'cause my brain shuts the fuck up.

I'm not thinking about tomorrow or yesterday.

I'm right there, in the moment....

Suffering pain has the blood rushes to the surface of the skin after a stingy hit or orgasming out of control, not able to stop....

I'm always right there... and I know where I am....

I'm tired....

... but I'm not.

It's too early to sleep, too late for energy to tackle something big.

I'm all socialed out for the day.  It was fun, but I like being home, in my own space...

... but something is missing.

I can't put my finger on it.  It just feels like something is out of place, something is missing....

I'm going to go fold laundry... something mindless.... and make myself a cup of tea.

Maybe tomorrow, what's spiraling in my brain will want to come out.....

Summer of the Slut

I don't know what's going to happen next year. 

I'll be closer to my supposed sexual peak. 

If it gets worse than this, I won't be able I work and will need to be fucked 24/7

But for now, I will call it the summer of the slut. After this winter/spring of STIs and self pity, I picked myself up and started asking for what I wanted. 

OMG people said yes. I still feel a bit shocked by the yes and am afraid of the no, but I've simply stopped letting it stop me. 

And damn it feels good. 

Lol gotta plan for my physic far in advance. No sex for a couple of days so I can get an accurate Pap smear. Who'd have thought that I'd need to schedule time off for my pussy???

Cleaning

I hate cleaning....

Well that's not true...

I hate cleaning up *my* stuff.

I'll go to a dominant's house and cook, clean, scrub toilets (even if I'm not asked).

My apartment, on the other hand, is a total mess.

Well... it's not *dirty*.  That pile of clothes to my left?  They're clean and folded, just not put away.  The dishes on the counter?  I'm out of cabinets space in my studio, but they too are clean.  The pile of junk?  Ok, it's a pile of junk.

The trash has been emptied, the dishes and clothes are clean, the hair's been cleaned out of the drain, and the toilet scrubbed recently....

But my apartment is full of stuff.

I'm getting better (I hope).  I've downsized to a studio from my one bedroom and as I unpack (yes I've been here nearly a year and still have boxes) a good portion (more than 1/3) ends up re-packed in a box and off to goodwill.  I'm in a studio now, so the place setting for 8 got down sized to 4 and the rest was given to goodwill.  Before the move, a massive shoe purge (*cries*) occurred with the help of my mother (lots of interesting thoughts on some "hooker" heels).

So I feel like I'm caught in the middle...  Most things don't have a place yet (I'm still organizing where I want furniture to be gosh darn it) and I feel like I'm surrounded by stuff.

I've got to take it in pieces... otherwise it's too overwhelming.  I think I'm going to start with the bathroom.  It's the cleanest (things have a place there) and I think I'll organize my vanity.  Face stuff, makeup, a little bit of jewelry.  That's manageable, right?

Maybe this will help me move bit by bit.....

First STI Scare

Well, I think I still thought of them as STDs back then....

It was senior year of college.  For the first time since senior year of high school, I was single.  I had dated my first boyfriend long distance the whole time and he'd broken up with my spring break of junior year.

When I was home for Christmas, I decided to join this crazy website called alt.com.

He lived 40+ miles from campus and was a switch (from before I learned that nearly all switch men on the interent are bottoms).

He was a hick.... like a hick... missing teeth, lived out in the boonies, worked in construction, or manufacturing, or something.

And he had a thing for black girls.

So I'd spend me weekends driving out there for sex.  That and sports was really all we had in common. He had a strap on and taught me how to use it on him (see, bottom).

And then he didn't call me on my birthday.  I didn't think it was a huge deal, I mean I wasn't his girl friend, so I let it go.

He called me the next day with a surprise.  It turned out his ex had just given birth to his baby....

Nearly full term.  She didn't "know" she was pregnant.

Oh and it gets better.... the baby came back positive for Syphilis.....

SURPRISE!

So she'd lost her virginity to him and hadn't had any other partners so.......

Student health had this great online system so I got into the doctor in under 48 hours.

The doctor was kind.  I explained the situation, she and I rolled our eyes over not knowing you were pregnant.  She told me that syphilis is only active in certain areas in the US and that Durham, NC was one of those (as is the SF Bay area by the way).  The test is fast, she relayed, and as long as we catch it early, we'll put you on an antibiotic and everything will be fine.

Turns on the baby was false positive for syphilis.  Showing up pregnant with no pre-natal care put into place a huge rush of tests and the secondary rounds all came back clear.

And so ends the tale of my first STI scare ;-)

Learning from Erotica...

I've been reading erotica for many more years than I should....

I've decide to share some of my favorite stories, not just to get you hot, but to use them as a medium to analyze myself and my kink.

Wanting It All

*Brief synopsis*

They've been happily married for years, but have each lived with a secret.  When her affair with her ex Dom comes out, he, an ex dom who gave up kink thinking she wasn't in to it, leaves her with his friend, the head of a punishment dungeon, to try to use kink to coerce her into divorce.


********

As will be a theme in these stories, I'm not the main character.  I don't identify with her.  She's a heavy masochists.  She gets to a happy place and the orgasms flow like milk and honey.

I'm her best friend.  She's not really into kink.  Well, she wanted to be into kink and then the main character hooked up with a Dom that abused her.  So now, bestie dates submissive vanilla men 'cause she knows she's in control and they won't hurt her.  And she won't get what she really wants, but at least it's safer.

And of course, she meets L, the head of the dungeon, who is trying to get the main character back with her husband after he realizes that they both kept things from each other.  He feels like he's getting older, and is tired of the parade of women in his life.  He wants one to be a partner and when he meets bestie, he loves her fire, the submission that is trying to get out, and her intelligence.

********

I don't know what would make me happy.  I have ideas, but I've not been there to know for sure that's what makes me happy.

I don't date vanilla boys anymore.  Well... anymore is a hard statement.  I've had exactly one vanilla boyfriend... we dated for over 3 years and I did whatever he asked... never had an opinion and was just happy that a boy liked me at all.

He's also the only boy that ever got to the point to take home to Mom and Dad.

After that is was only kinky guys.... but it was also never "appropriate" kinky guys.

Well let me define appropriate.....

I feel like I'm better than I used to be, but I never really thought I deserved what I wanted.  That very first boyfriend was senior year of high school... that was my first kiss.  I was a guy's girl... lots of guy friends but it would be "weird" to go out with me.

So after that relationship ended,  I never said no to a guy... a guy asked me out... I didn't really think he was cute or anything, but I'd go out with him, even fuck him if that's what he wanted, cause he was interested in me and I needed to grab hold of that.  Another time I'll have to tell the story of being a senior at Duke University and letting the 35 year old hick who lived out in the boonies fuck my ass... 'cause he was at least interested in me.

I've grown and got better and developed a bit more self esteem.... but I still didn't look for what I thought I wanted.  I want the white picket fence with the full dungeon in the basement/garage.  The white picket part is actually the harder to find.  I can get the dungeon...  I've become a parody of myself at times by being that awesome secondary partner.  Oh I really enjoy the time I get with people, but it's a protection mode.  You can never hurt me 'cause I'm not supposed to mean that much to you anyway.  We'll have our date ever so often, chat as friends, and I can stay in that place forever and ever.  Do I get all of my needs met?  No.  Do I get enough met to keep the edge off the craving.  Pretty much.

(ever start writing and have no idea what was going to come out... I didn't know this blog was going to end up here.....)

So as I ramble around with the thoughts in my head, I led back to my new guy.  He's age appropriate and technically single (though there's a live-in ex that he still messes around with along with a couple of other casual relationships).  I was complaining to someone that he felt a little clingy.  They pointed out that he had time for me...

Have I gotten so jaded that someone who pays attention to me and wants to see me feels clingy?  The bastad from the last relationship (you know, the cheating poly guy) was technically single (or so I thought) but he also never talked to me.  New guy doesn't let a day go by without something, even if it's a text that says "I hope you're having a great day."

Is that what guys do?  Could they really miss me and want to spend time with me?  Ok, that sounds a little harsher than I mean.  I know the play partners I have miss me and want to spend time with me, but there are other factors (partners) that put a known limit on the amount of interaction.  I don't know what to do with someone who has the desire *AND* the time to see me a lot.  He's coming over Wednesday.  Yes, we'll end up fucking (OMG dating a guy my age is a new experience.  We had a date and he was able to get it up 4 times. I walked funny for a whole day), but we also have plans to cuddle, and maybe play a game.

I don't think it'll be a big R relationship... but I don't know if I think that way to protect myself from liking him or to protect myself from liking him given his ex (who doesn't want to feel replaced... no, I'm not exactly sure what that means either) or protect myself from liking him 'cause he likes me and just settling 'cause he paid attention to me.

So that, dear reader, is where I sit.  I'm not going to go back and edit this.... so yes, it'll read a bit stream of consciousness like, but I think it needed to get out.......

~S

I was bad

... and skipped two whole days of blogging.

I'm going to try and double up a couple of times this week (if I'm inspired) and hopefully catch up on those two lost days.

This weekend, I'll be in Disneyland (yes I know I have a problem), so expect shorts blogs.  The good/great news is my baby brother (age gap 15 months) is going to be there.  I haven't seen him since Christmas.  I can't wait..

So if we want to keep on the thread of being bad (in an oh so good way), I'll at least explain why I was not blogging this weekend ;-)

I've now find the greatest place ever for sex.  A partner and I went to the Zen Springs Day Spa in Oakland.  It was nice and clean, but still left you feeling dirty.  I went with a man wearing a wedding ring (which I of course do not have on) and rented a room for 90 minutes that had a whirlpool tub, steam shower, and a "queen sized yoga platform" which was basically a bed.  I don't think you can rent these things, with someone else, for anything other than hanky panky.  Now I kind of want to visit the ones all over the bar area and write up reviews of how much fun I had.

Sunday, I entertained a different boy.  He's *gasp* age appropriate, cute, funny, and a bad, bad man.  I was trying not to walk funny at work this morning ;-)

So at least, if I wasn't blogging, I was be naughty in other ways too ;-)